So, I'm reading another book! When I was at Opus I picked up Chris Tyrell's "Making it! Case studies of Successful Canadian Visual Artists". http://christyrell.ca/books. I read his "Artist Survival Skills" and I'll need to read that one again. This book is an easy read because it's so informative and inspiring! It tells the stories of artists through Chris' interviews - they talk about using the internet, websites, Etsy, online marketing, having corporate sponsorship, reproduction rights, connections through art organizations, and more! I was really struck with inspiration by two artists in particular - Jude Griebel http://judegriebel.com/ for his rich experience from around the world, but also for his artwork! I struggle with "classifying" my genre, and I felt his images were similar. It was really exciting to see his work and so much success in this genre. Also Marina Bychkova http://www.enchanteddoll.com/ for her amazing art dolls or bjd (ball jointed doll). I am totally in love with her dolls and the images she creates with them - storybook, fantasy, and conceptual. She has over the top talent and is paid very well for her creations - as she should be!!! She inspires my desire to create my miniature theatre scenes.

I see that though I have known my art has been about my story, I now realize that I can create artwork exploring my literal experience and not just my symbolic imagery of my journey. I sense that this more personal, and less archetype/fairytale artwork, could reach others who are presently struggling with the same loss and grief I experienced and from which I created my life in response to. Now I am more at a distance from the overwhelming emotions so I see it more objectively and can describe it in a way that I couldn't when I was in the middle of it. This artwork can be more powerful and healing because it is even more authentic and honest about my story. My artworks could contribute to an organization that I connect with, due to my personal story.

My artwork can be beautiful and meaningful, but also a doorway to create more connections in my community, to support my neighbours through our community's organizations. This is an even greater service for my artwork.

I finished another painting!!! Yay!!!! I had a painter's "block" for more than about five years, in which I started a number of paintings but was unable to finish them. I want to submit three paintings to the jury for the Sidney Art Show in the fall, and after the last time I submitted three paintings which were not accepted, I decided to change my tactic and submit art that I make and not art that I think I should make! I finished my first painting in years, last year - The Maiden - based on my research into the "Handless Maiden" folktale ( see "Inspired by...."). That was such a satisfying experience!! This year, I decided to finish two other paintings that I had started a number of years ago, to submit to the art show in the fall. This is the first one and you can see it as the last image under the "Symbolism and Spirituality" set of images in the artworks gallery.

I wanted to start with an image of a woman in an owl mask. I don't know why, just that I am drawn to birds, as you can see from my artwork, and the theatre - so my image was a logical choice! I developed this painting on the canvas, as I have done with many paintings. First came the woman in the mask, then the curtains to the side and the trees on the right. Then the stage floor in its checkerboard pattern. I had a doorway come to mind, as if that is where she is running too, like Cinderella and the stroke of midnight! That appeared on the left of the stage, in a state of materialization - partly there, partly disappearing. I spread the checkerboard pattern toward the horizon, and it dissipated into a field in the distance, with a hill that has trees at its base where the field ends, and a night time ocean with the waves reflecting the moonlight above. I continued to develop these images into more detail.

The space between the costumed woman and the doorway needed something, and I guess I was influenced by the checkerboard - like it was a chess board, and I've always loved the "rook" because it is often represented by a castle tower - a miniature building!! So I began painting the tower, and it continued to develop into a lone tower on the precipice above the wave swept ocean. It is as if it is appearing from another dimension or space/time. Maybe it's a connection to the ocean in the background, like a close-up detail of the background.

For the longest time, the painting remained like this, but of course there was the left hand corner standing empty. I had a sense of a "watcher" looking down upon the masked woman. I painted in the tower topped by a "watcher" but it was the wrong perspective - it was from the side, and it appeared like he was sitting in a box at the theatre. I realized that I had to be looking upward at this character, so I angled the tower and painted if as if from below. The "watcher" appears here as a wolf, in a soldier's uniform - my guess is that he is more than that, maybe another authority figure. So, it is also connected to the tower, as if it is a close up of him standing on top of that particular tower, which is appearing from another dimension or space/time - like he is seeing her and her unauthorized activities, as she runs to return from her journey into our world.

She's looking at us, the audience, with a startled look, as if she wasn't aware we were there until she ran on stage to catch her "exit"! At the bottom of the painting, on which the stage stands, is an image of the swirling galaxies of outer space. It's Shakespeare all over again!

"All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts..."

I was reading a book called "Inner Simplicity" by Elaine St. James, who is also the author of "Simplify Your Life". Early in the book, on page 10 she says "I found it wasn't sufficient to cut my work schedule so I had the time to spend in peaceful solitude on Saturday afternoon, if I spent that time worrying about the grocery shopping, or getting the lawn mowed or what we were going to take to Jack's potluck dinner Saturday night....You'll find it's much easier to enjoy the full benefits of your quiet time if you're able to reduce the distractions and the energy drains as well." On page 29 she writes about creativity and says "For many of us, the ability to tap into our creativity comes only after we have slowed down to the point where we can take the time to get centered. Learning to be and learning to be creative are two sides of the same coin." and the last piece for me, on page 31 "....I've learned that if things aren't going well, I need to slow down and listen. When I get back into sync, things start to flow again."

This has been my experience - the connection between taking time and just being with myself and my creativity. Taking time is about setting aside time - and that is about prioritizing what is important to me. Some things do get put on the back burner. I have only a certain amount of time and energy, and life in my household is more than I can keep up with, even when it's just me and my husband! The other day, just like many days, I have a break and must decide the most important and efficient thing to do with that extra hour. Sometimes it's worth the 30 minute round trip, in order to come home and paint for an hour. If it's a bit longer, I also swim three times a week - I do find that my commitment level to swimming somehow "creates" the time to swim : somehow I always find the time. Sometimes it's an errand - but I have to keep careful tabs on errand running. Sometimes it isn't enough time to come home to paint, so instead I spend 30 to 40 minutes in the park at a picnic table, working with coloured pencils in my drawing pad. Or with that same time frame: go walk at the beach or in the wooded park or even an antique store (being careful that I don't actually buy something!), to observe and to listen - to nature and my inner conversation and inspiration. Sometimes it's 10 - 15 minutes to journal.

These are all enriching and informative activities for my relationship with myself. This is really the only relationship I have! Think about it - in all my many relationships, the only person I am really dealing with is myself and my beliefs and perspectives. I am the most important relationship I have, because I'm stuck with me! If I don't understand myself, all my other relationships will suffer - because I will blame the other person for my wants and reactions : which they cannot ever be responsible for or fix for me. When my friend is upset, I don't fall into making their reactions personal - "taking it on" as it were, because I'm centered in who I am and where my boundaries of where I begin and end are clear. I am able to be more objective and that makes me a much more valuable friend because then I can really support them, instead of stirring up more confusing emotions between us.

So in taking time to be with myself, and listening to what I need to do with the time I have, I develop a relationship with myself which supports me in my life. I listen to my inner direction and honor it : I ask "Which direction is the most clear?" when driving, and make the turn when the urge guides me. I say "I really need a parking spot next to the door" and feel in my body, which direction to go, to finding the perfect spot. When I get anxious, I sing "laa, laa, laa" like "Babe" the pig (!), to relax and get in sync with the stream of energy for my benefit! I find the more I listen, the more I receive - synchronicity is possibly the word.

If I am listening to my body/emotional needs for what activity and direction I need in the moment, certainly I am able to hear my creative urge, moving me in certain image collecting or using a certain colour. These inner urges are my alphabet and language expressing what is in my heart, and actually what is in the collective human heart. What I'm trying to communicate as an artist, is actually what I am actually trying to communicate as a human being. Someone out there understands my language - I am able to speak on their behalf until they are able to articulate for themselves, what is in their heart. So this work of being in relationship with myself is also the best thing I can do for my community!

Slowing my lifestyle down enough, giving myself enough room to negotiate the day to include space and silence, nurtures my creativity and my humanity - aren't they one and the same? I'd like to think so!! Living without distractions is almost impossible, but I can reduce the distractions because I'm clear on what my priorities are. I am living my best by balancing my well-being between my inner and outer needs. Priority is given to my inner needs because they nurture my outer life, but it's good to get those dishes done, because otherwise they clutter up my mind and emotions, too!

I've journaled many pages to date. I think I began in earnest with following The Artist's Way ( see my Inspired by Other Media section ). I wrote whatever was on my mind, without editing, for three pages or half an hour every morning. I found that after doing that for awhile, I had less "on my mind" that was upsetting/confusing/depressing me, and - because I still had two more pages to write - I'd keep writing, but my words would change into gratitude, prayer and affirmations. When my mind was no longer turning in circles around the same issue, there was room for something else inside me to be written! This was an amazing discovery : nature abhors a vacuum, and when there was a space, my natural essence had a place to be heard!

I suggested to my, then pre-teen, daughter to journal all her anger and frustrations. I don't know how long she kept it up, but she was always in a better state of mind after journaling. I bought her a journal from our local book store, that was set up specifically for girls. It had questions at the top of the page "What is my favourite thing to do?" "Why do I like my best friend?" and other reflective suggestions. I know her writing about these ideas gave her a strong sense of herself, her priorities, and her values. She had an idea of who she was because she knew what she wanted, what she liked, where she wanted to be in ten years. This gave her clarity which led her to making decisions, as a teenager, with a good sense of whether a choice would benefit her or take her further from her path. She was responsible for her success and her well-being and her peer's choices held less weight in influencing her. I always suggest this activity to moms of pre-teen girls. It's invaluable!

Now, I have adult friends who are asking "What's going on that I can't seem to achieve what I want?" I suggest they journal, and they reply that they try but nothing happens. I journal off and on depending if I have something "on the go" - something I'm trying to work out for myself. Weeks can go by without journaling anything. What I've begun to realize is that journaling for me, is about giving voice to something that I have been unaware of, which gives me more information to be able to make different choices. It seems that my writing gives me access to beliefs and perspectives that have been unspoken until that moment of journaling. My writing is usually about trying to understand what is keeping me from something I desire to have : success, income, love - the usual!!

I start by feeling in my body, my sensations - what it feels like to be in this place of being "stuck". The other day it was "I feel like I'm in a fog about my money." It seems that the body sensations are best explained in metaphor. My experience has shown me that these sensations are from my past, mostly my childhood. This is before my ability to be articulate and verbalize how I was feeling emotionally and what was making me afraid. "....it was like wading in jello; I felt like the ground was crumbling from underneath my feet; I felt like I was going to be swallowed up and disappear." That is what I journal about - my sensations, my feelings - and explore them more deeply. I follow the metaphor and it leads to more aspects of that "nugget" of my pre-verbal choice/belief, being uncovered. Often our use of language and phrases comes up. What followed the fog image was that my money is "out of my hands"! That was something I want to make a new choice about! That is when affirmations come into play and I work at establishing a new perspective and belief.

I have discovered that choices I made were based on the limited information from my childhood experiences, which equals a lot of misinformation! I had only my limited perspective on the world, and made a lot of assumptions based on what I saw, heard and felt in my family relationships. Yet these early choice/beliefs have influenced my perspective about my relationship to life, my whole life!

What I tell my friends is "Ask yourself that question and write what comes to mind - that answer lies within you. I'd like to give you the answer, but I can't reach in there and find it! If you can see yourself in a situation, write as if you were watching a movie and making notes - don't worry about grammar and punctuation! You're not writing a story as much as you are witnessing your story." As a child these experiences are just that - experienced! There are no words at the time of the experience, but now we can record that experience and have a chance to look at it differently and make new choices.

Lately, in February, I was asking the question "What is making me so afraid of creating my art?" during a weekend seminar, of a year long program I am enrolled in. I had a sensation of this hovering predatory presence, overlooking my every move. I was very afraid that it would eat me. Where did this come from? It was attached to my fear of creating my artwork, which made no sense to me and was something I have been struggling with for years - "Why can't I be successful as an artist?" I continued to journal over the weekend and afterward I suddenly made the connection! My dad died when I was seven years old. It seemed that my full-of-life-and-laughter Daddy had been swallowed up by this unknown force, called "death". No one could prevent it. It was so powerful it could take away my dad, who was bigger-than-life to me. When I began drawing, I would often have the sensation of a "spiritual" presence - larger than me - working through me. I think that I made the connection between "all-powerful-death" and the "larger than me presence" to be the same thing. I had developed a strong connection to my idea of a benevolent and loving God, and yet lived in an overwhelming fear of annihilation.

By following my image of the hovering presence, I was slowly able to uncover the contrasting ideas that have plagued my creative life. The first time I had an inkling of this hovering presence was when we went to Italy in 2009 - I was overwhelmed by the huge statues on the tops of buildings, looking down upon the people like judges, or "God". I think that was when I first began to articulate this belief from childhood.

That led to other uncovering - I wrote November 2010, about feeling "like a fairy trapped in an overturned glass jar, held down by a big, hairy ogre" - to which my friend asked "So where are you being a big, hairy ogre to yourself?" That was a jaw-dropper!!! But also a stepping stone placed on my path by journaling - to discovering a deeper belief that had even more influence on my life - I had this powerful, controlling menace, which kept me from being myself, and having what I want. Success would always be taken from me.

Now, in February, once discovered/uncovered, I could see that I made a choice based on misinformation. I am now free to see that fear is not related to my creativity, to being successful, or to being recognized. Being successful and recognized no longer means that the next step is annihilation! That fear is from my past, and not from today.

Ever since I was a kid I've loved.......toys!! Well, of course, you say "What kid doesn't like toys?" The problem is that even as an adult I'd dream about toys. What well-respected adult admits that? Finally, after so many years of my guilty secret, I broke down and decided that I'd start to collect toys.....for my future grandchildren! I needed some excuse! So, I went to the local second hand shops and see what they had: I then began to think of archetypes - I needed heroes, villains, fairytale and storybook characters, animal friends and props. I also found miniature village scene props at Christmas - bridges, sundials, and gazebos! Hey, then I discovered aquarium scenes - Greek columns, archways, hollow stumps and temples! So began my storytelling - by going through my collection, I'd pick out characters and props that "called to me" at that moment. I set up my table in my studio with a cloth draped over top of small boxes for a landscape. Then I would just begin telling the story - out loud to myself. It is pretty hilarious, but at this point I'd lost all idea of "dignity" because wasn't I an adult playing with toys? I'd start with the main characters, tell their story and how they met the following characters, where they went and what they did.......pretty simple. Loads of fun! Then I'd write the story down while it was fresh in my mind. It always amazed me how my story would start, without any end in mind, and continue on through a challenge to come to a unique and perfect solution with a happy ending! The story would just meander along until the end, coming together like a perfect puzzle without any effort on my part! There's a lesson in there somewhere!

I had explored this urge before. I began collecting archetype images from the internet - isn't is a wonderful tool when you can type in "gate" on Google images and thousands of images come up? Of course, there is copyright, but I used these images for reference photos, so none of my personal images resulted in a direct copy of someone else's photo. I made 5"x 7" cards, and would lay them out the same way as above : which image "called to me"? But I didn't actually get around to the story telling part. I just loved the images!

Before any of this happened, I'd play with my daughter when she was little, and we'd tell stories with her toys. It was natural and effortless. She had a fairytale felt board and also a fairytale stamp collection, which of course were "archetypes" and I would do the same thing : pick a character and tell the story as it went along on its own volition. One night, with my present husband, he said "Tell me a story" and I proceeded to verbally relate a story that was playing out in my mind like a movie. It was an amazing story of transformation, involving a wolf and a maiden. I understood the symbolism of the story, later. It was a lovely idea and I will share it here another day.

So my moral of this story is - don't be embarrassed about unexplainable, innocent urges! These are our creative muse trying to communicate to ourselves and the world about the natural healing character of our deepest self. We can heal ourselves and our communities when we nurture and listen to this limitless well of wisdom and love.

I'm just starting to blog, getting my website up and running. I have lots of pages in my journals, on my computer and handwritten. It is my nature to reflect and ask what's going on? My creativity in my artwork and in my life is the same thing. I see how everything in my life is connected because the common denominator is me! I hope that you also find a kinship in me, that what I write is a nudge or inkling for your well-being and creativity! I truly believe everyone is the same I AM of Creation, like facets on a diamond. I look forward to your comments giving me an insight or tweak - we are in this together, we are connected because we are one and the same. If my personal journey of healing and inspiration, creativity and cycles touches you, then we are together already!